Written by Alex Berbank
Day 2: A Collection of Little Things
It’s day 2 now and yesterday I thought it was a really good start. As I said last time I think I have a lot of preconceived notions on what working on my own mental health would look like. I didn’t see it being a collection of little things. So far that’s exactly what it has been and even in the very short amount of time I’ve been doing this, I am feeling a difference. To me that’s a big sign. If I feel this good about making small changes then it probably suggests that I wasn’t where I wanted to be before. Making these small changes stick, after the week has gone is a different matter but I decided I will try everything and not let the long term likelihood of me sticking it out from trying it. This week is all about pushing myself into new experiences and seeing what works best for me.
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Writing it Down
So yesterday was day 1 of my journal, and I can’t believe how relieving it felt to just write everything down at the end of the day. I didn’t have a bad day as such but I did find myself hitting a negative loop a couple of times. I got a chip in my car windscreen, a small chip easy to repair and covered on my insurance but that’s how I see it now. At the time, I was so caught up in it. I was angry and frustrated, I think we can all understand that, but I let it affect the whole time I was out. It just took the edge of what would have been an otherwise pleasant time to myself at tesco. Because of that 1 incident of bad luck on the way, suddenly all of tesco is against me. Usually I take the hour or so it takes to do the shopping to put in a good podcast and relax as I walk around. I know this is the luxury of not having kids yet, and it’s a good way to just get some time to myself. I couldn’t relax though. I’m good at compartmentalising normally, I concluded later that because the food shop was such a mundane task that part of my brain that normally says ‘Forget about it for now Alex, you can’t change it its not getting worse, check back in later and we’ll sort it’ just didn’t fire. Something so petty then snowballed and that’s because I wasn’t engaging with the thought process. I was just riding the snowball telling myself that I’m ‘managing’ my thoughts because I’m thinking about it. I managed to convince myself it wouldn’t be covered by my insurance and I’d have to fork out for the repair myself and further tormented myself by having the “autoglass repair, autoglass replace” theme tune echo inside my head for the hour it took.
I got home and spoke about it to my partner. Sure enough there was the interference that thought process needed. She reminded me that it is covered, we’d be able to have it fixed this week and without snow or ice likely anytime soon the chances of cracking were minimal. My very first thought was why couldn’t I have thought that and been that calm when it happened. Before I know it I was in another loop about how my mental health really isn’t what I thought it was and annoyed at myself for not dealing with the situation better. I’m definitely now open to learning ways I can regulate the frustration I felt but I was always going to feel frustrated when that happened. Even though a chipped windscreen is one of life’s much smaller problems to worry about, everything is relative and the truth is the problem itself doesn’t matter, the problem itself didn’t make me walk round tesco frustrated at the world, my thought pattern did.
Later in the day I got everything down in the journal and it puts it into perspective so much more. I don’t berate myself for not dealing with it better because it’s done, it’s locked away and although still in my mind the emotions behind it aren’t. The time to write just an A5 page in the book too was about 10 minutes, and that includes actively thinking about how I did and what happened in the day. It made me realise there was a lot more good in the day than bad and I really felt relieved after doing so. It was different to talking to someone about it in a way because it was a one-way conversation I was having. I wasn’t there looking for answers to my problems, just a place to get rid of them.
Talking it Through
I spoke to my fiancee Ellie about this week and explained that I wanted to try something new each day and catalogue it. She was really supportive as I think most people would be. If you’re worried about talking to someone close to you about doing something similar or just working on your own mental health I can’t encourage you enough to bite the bullet and mention it. It doesn’t have to be a sit down conversation. I mentioned it to Ellie whilst watching the chase. Of course she was on board and thought it would be good for her to look at hers too. It’s good for us all to monitor our mental health really isn’t it. I will say again ideally we don’t wait for us to have a crisis point for us all to look at our own mental health. After this I realised those thought processes I had about her being worried or asking why were not only completely made up in my head but so illogical. They most likely developed because I felt insecure and vulnerable about talking and opening up to everyone like this. I then think “well, who would care?” or “how’s this supposed to help?”. Instead of dealing with those thoughts directly I projected them onto what those around me. I’m not letting them support me in something I want to do because I’ve decided they would be against it. It’s strong wording but I guess I’m doing so to make my point. I do wonder though, I caught myself thinking this way, how many times have I done this in the past and just not questioned it and missed out on something as a result.
Trying New Things
We agreed that too much time on the phone is also probably changing our mental health. We are trying an idea of keeping it out the way when we were in bed, at the dinner table and when we were together. Sounds so simple but I’m an absolute addict for scrolling through instagram or falling through youtube rabbit holes before bed. I know the damage that screen time before bed has on our sleep and again I’ve just never chosen to do anything about it. So we’ll see how that goes for the pair of us this week.
Tomorrow also will be the first day I try out some meditation and mindfulness. I’ve always been slightly against this ‘stuff’ as I’d put it, but this is what this week is about. I’m going to enter with a fresh perspective. I have a call booked with someone from my local town who’s going to talk me through a few techniques and I’ve got the relevant youtube tutorials saved and ready to go.
So check back in tomorrow, and we’ll see if I’m on a new enlightened path.
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